Episode 4: The Turtles Emerge! Slime gone wrong!?
Today, we share the tale of how NCT DREAM created Cocomelon. It may sound weird but if you think about it, it makes sense. After all, NCT DREAM is the kindergarten of NCT, they pride themselves in their childish whimsy. Apart from HAECHAN, as far as we know all of NCT DREAM are very serious about the Little Cult. So, they decided to open up Cocomelon as a way to indoctrinate people subliminally. They decided to use dinosaurs, because kids like dinosaurs and especially autistic kids. And what is NCT DREAM if not a bunch of autistic little kids. But, how did we get here? It all started with one man: JENO. He’s not very remarkable, he is literally just some guy. But he came up with the idea of Cocomelon as a way to recruit more people into the Little Cult. NCT is not generally allowed contact with the outside world (outside of concerts and similar things, which they need to be in person for), but stuff like using the internet is fine because they can be anonymous. JENO hosted a meeting with the rest of NCT DREAM to decide what they wanted their youtube channel to be about.
JENO: We need to come up with something little related to connect with our little heritage, our ethnicity.
JAEMIN: Oh, we can make a baking channel! We can have sprinkles and milkshakes and oreos...
JENO: JAEMIN, we can’t do that. I’m lactose intolerant, that would be excluding me.
JAEMIN: *cries because he’s a little*
JENO: What do you think, RENJUN?
RENJUN: I don’t know, how about nursery rhymes? Kids like that. I like that. My favorite one is Johnny Johnny Yes Papa.
MARK: That’s my favorite too! It reminds me of my boyfriend.
RENJUN: Oh, right... your brother...
NCT DREAM all stare at each other uncomfortably. This was before MARK and JOHNNY’s relationship was broadly accepted, so MARK was being very brave for being so open. (fun fact: the only reason MARK is still a part of NCT DREAM despite having an older little age is because he didn’t get his license to be an adult. He never passed NCT DREAM school and he doesn’t have an education above a fourth grader so he’s considered little enough).
MARK: It also reminds me of him because he also calls me papa :)
JENO: Alright, shut the fuck up. If you keep talking like this we’re gonna kick you out of these meetings. You’re on thin fucking ice, the only reason you’re in NCT DREAM is because DADDY SM will not release you from the NCT DREAM compartment because you "failed fourth grade" and you "don’t have a drivers license" and you’ve "never touched a weed in your life".
JENO then turns to CHENLE.
JENO: Okay, what are your thoughts? I like the nursery rhyme idea but can we add anything else?
CHENLE: We could add dinosaurs to it. Little boys like dinosaurs.
So they made their first video with a dinosaur nursery rhyme. The video had subliminal little waves so that anyone who was of the age to be a little could watch it and be infected. The channel is called Cocomelon (originally Chocolate Pumpkin, but no one liked that name). The only reason it’s called this way is because they used wheeldecide.com, but none of them actually really like the name so if you ask them about it they’ll just tell you it’s the NCT DREAM kid’s channel. That’s why no one knows Cocomelon is run by NCT DREAM and why it’s so hard to find any information on this. They contributed to the channel everyday; they even made some kid friendly versions of their songs, including Hot Sauce, which originally they wanted to make very Mexican themed (with sombreros, maracas and cacti) but DADDY SM slapped them over the wrist and said “No, that’s too racist, I don’t want another media backlash.” NCT DREAM said, “but DADDY SM, we loooove racism. Pleaaase” but DADDY SM still said no, so they had to make it only dinosaur themed. It was very sad, because littles love racism and it really sucked that they couldn’t tap into that market.
One day, CHENLE and JISUNG are exchanging ideas for what they want to do with the channel.
CHENLE: How about we start making content about trucks? Kids like trucks, right?
JISUNG: No, but trucks came way after the dinosaurs had gone extiNCT, it wouldn’t make any sense.
CHENLE: Actually, dinosaurs didn’t go extinct really, they just evolved into modern day birds. So, if you think about it, dinosaurs are technically still around.
JISUNG: That’s awfully complicated for a little to know. Is there anything you want to tell me?
CHENLE: No! I just have a special interest in dinosaurs. I go to the library with DADDY SM and my comically large lollipop like I'm a little German boy and I pick out books about dinosaurs to learn about them. That makes me extra little.
JISUNG: ...Okay... I’ll believe you.
They decide to go on YouTube to get new ideas (YouTube Kids, because they’re littles). They search up keywords like Disney princess, Tetris, funny kids funny videos for kids very funny videos. Eventually they decide to try something else because they were only getting inflation porn. They realized they didn’t want to do Disney princesses, because that was already WAYV’s thing, and they also didn’t want to make more content about animals because they’ve already exploited that niche. They especially didn’t want to do anything related to cows ever since the incident (ominous). So, they found something else: oddly satisfying videos. They didn’t have any soap to do the soap crunching kind (and it was also dangerous) and they didn’t have any money because DADDY SM pays them in peanuts and paperclips, so they had to make slime with random stuff they had. JAEMIN helped out a little by getting them supplies. When they asked him where he got all of it from, he said it was from the basement. They gasp in shock.
JISUNG: You went into the basement? But that’s dangerous!
JAEMIN: But I didn’t go near LUCAS! You know, he who shall not be named. I just quickly got these and left. Also, I got some sprinkles, and some marshmallows and Skittles. Maybe you can use them to make very tasty, beautiful slime
JISUNG/CHENLE: Thanks, JAEMIN...
They said this with a thin lipped smile because they thought JAEMIN was annoying but were too nice to say it. Luckily, JAEMIN got the cue and left. After that they finally started making their slime with a bunch of stuff from unlabeled white containers. CHENLE opens one of the containers and it has raw chicken in it. He finds it really weird that they were keeping raw chicken in the basement and not in the fridge. He finds it even weirder that the chicken looks perfectly fine, which almost makes it seem like it’s not actually chicken but he doesn’t worry about that. He just grabs the thing. JISUNG gets a container with a purple substance and pours it over the chicken.
JISUNG: Oh, it’s my favorite! Allegra chicken!
CHENLE: JISUNG, you’re committing drug abuse. That’s not very little of you.
JISUNG: Hey! Every little has their vice. Some love sprinkles, marshmallows, Skittles-
CHENLE: You’re just describing JAEMIN.
JISUNG: -some are fucking their brother.
CHENLE: You’re just describing MARK LEE.(fun fact: MARK has what NCT experts like to call Light Yagami Syndrome, which means it’s hard to not say his full name).
JISUNG: -and some of us like mixing raw chicken with allergy meds.
CHENLE: I’m worried for your health. Unrelated to worrying about our health, let’s combine all these unknown chemicals and see what happens!
They continue mixing various substances of different textures and colors and add some sprinkles here and there. The end result is a yucky disgusting goop colored green and yellow. They’re a bit afraid to touch it because they think it might be radioactive. They’re nervous they might have just recreated Chernobyl and that this is just the Dinosaur's Foot (as opposed to the Elephant’s Foot).
CHENLE: This is kind of gross... do kids really like this?
JISUNG: Well, I don’t like it and you don’t seem to like it either. So, does that mean... we’re not really littles?
CHENLE: No! Don’t say that! It shan’t be...
JISUNG: But what if?
CHENLE: No. You know what they’ll do to us if NCT DREAM thinks we’re not really littles. They’ll... they’ll put us in the b... the b... I can’t even say it, it’s too cruel.
JISUNG: Hey, it’s okay! Maybe we’re just not like other littles. It’ll be fine.
CHENLE: Yeah... okay...
But as they're talking, they don’t notice what is happening to their slime. It starts growing in size and glowing bright green. It’s so bright in fact that they have to look away and they’ll probably need prescription glasses after this. They hold each other, scared that they might have accidentally summoned LUCAS in one of those secret rituals DADDY SM has told them about. They’re not sure how that would work, but anything is possible when it comes to LUCAS.
Three identical turtle creatures rise out of the goop. One of them gets closer to them and starts to speak.
TURTLE 1: Why have you given us the gift of life? Why did you bring us here?
JISUNG: Um. We didn’t mean to, it was an accident.
TURTLE 1: But it feels... like we’re incomplete. Someone's missing.
JISUNG: What do you mean?
TURTLE 2: It’s like Pinkie Pie without her Rainbow Dash, man. It’s like Sonic with his Tails, man. It’s like Light without his Yagami, man.
JISUNG: What? You’re not making any sense.
TURTLE 3: What he means, you dumbasses, is that something isn’t right. It feels wrong. Didn’t you intend to make four of us?
CHENLE: We didn’t want to make any of you! We were just making slime for our YouTube channel!
The TURTLES get on their knees (not to suck dick, but to pray).
TURTLES: Oh, dear God, for which you have blessed us with this life, we do not know from which we came but you bestowed this gift upon us and soon you would bestow it upon a fourth one. Please guide him to us.
CHENLE: JISUNG, I’m scared, what’s happening?
JISUNG: I’m not sure, but I think they want us to make a fourth one. Let’s go, quick!
CHENLE: What?! But is that even a good idea? We have three tortoise-turtle-lizard-snake things in our bathroom and we want to make another one?
JISUNG pulls CHENLE closer to him so the TURTLES won’t hear them.
JISUNG: Listen, we can use this to our advantage. These turtles think of us as Gods and they’ll do whatever we tell them to. We can train them to defeat DADDY SM for us.
CHENLE: What?! That’s very unlittle of you. If DADDY SM finds out, he’ll put us in the basement!
JISUNG: Actually, this is very little of us. Children are selfish and we’re protecting ourselves. Just like you said, DADDY SM will put us in the basement if he finds out so we have no choice. We can train the most powerful teenage mutant ninja turtle army!
CHENLE: So we’re just deciding that they’re ninjas? And they don’t seem like teenagers, they were just born.
JISUNG: I don’t know, they seem pretty grown to me. They’re like four feet tall, Jesus Christ. We can train them, but we need to make a fourth one.
They get the materials and they combine it just like they did the previous time. The TURTLES gather around and start praying again.
TURTLES: Oh dear Lord, thank you for bestowing upon us a fourth one. We shall cherish him as if he was from our own blood and slime. We shall love him as if he was from the original pack. Thank you, Lord.
A turtle rises from the goop and he has a sharp look in his eye. Just born, but already a teenager. So confident yet so insecure. He’s so dazzling and captivating.
CHENLE: This one’s special... I can feel it. I think he’s supposed to be the leader of this group.
JISUNG is crying like a proud father.
JISUNG: I think you’re right.
JISUNG turns to the TURTLES.
JISUNG: This one is your leader. Listen to him when we’re not around, we know he’s technically the youngest but we’re pretending you’re all the same age.
CHENLE: But we don’t even have a way for telling them apart.
JISUNG: Don’t worry, we’ll take care of that. Right now, let’s just focus on training them.
They start raising the TURTLES in the backrooms, which despite the name, are just unused storage rooms. JISUNG and CHENLE don’t have any formal training so they just make the TURTLES watch cartoons and videos of kids beating each other with sticks so they start picking up on that behavior. They still needed a way to identify them, which was easy. HAECHAN was cleaning his room and CHENLE just stole some old costumes from him and cut them up with his baby proofed scissors into color coded masks. But, they still needed name inspiration, because they couldn’t just call them one turtle, two turtle, red turtle, blue turtle like they’re Dr Seuss. To find inspiration, CHENLE roams around the NCT house and then he runs into RENJUN, who was staring at a wall in a catatonic state which was not uncommon for him.
RENJUN: They’ll all come for us one day... there’s no escaping it...
CHENLE: Hey, RENJUN... you’re doing the thing... snap out of it.
RENJUN: Oh. Oh! Hi CHENLE, I didn’t see you there.
CHENLE: Um, anyway. Can I ask you for some advice?
RENJUN: Yeah, sure.
CHENLE: If you had four sons slash pets, what would you name them?
RENJUN: Oh, that’s easy. It’s like what DADDY SM does for us. Think of it as like a cool stage name.
CHENLE: Like a cool stage name... what would be a cool stage name?
RENJUN: Um. Give me a second.
RENJUN turns to the wall, closes his eyes and starts mumbling to himself. CHENLE doesn’t hear what he says but he feels really awkward because he thinks RENJUN is having a psychological lapse. Then, RENJUN turns back to him.
RENJUN: Well, if i had four sons slash pets, I think it would be cool if they had a motif or pattern.
CHENLE: Oh, like Peter, Piper, Pickeda.... Packapickledpeppers.
RENJUN: No.
CHENLE: Or maybe something like...
RENJUN: Whatever you’re about to say is stupid, don’t name them that.
CHENLE: Sprinkle, Marshmallow, Skittles, Milkshake.
RENJUN: But you’re missing Oreo. You don’t have a fifth son.
CHENLE: Oh, right.
RENJUN: Look, just leave it to me. I think it would be cool if you named them LEONARDO, DONATELLO, RAPHAEL and MICHELANGELO. You know, like Renaissance artists.
CHENLE: Oh my god, RENJUN. That’s so hipster of you. That’s awesome...
But then something strange happens. CHENLE starts to trail off and CHENLE notices that his mark is glowing. But it doesn’t look like a birthday cake, it looked like two bombs connected... a cherry bomb.
CHENLE: Oh my god, why is your mark doing that?
RENJUN: FUCK, FUCK, IT’S NOTHING CHENLE, IT’S NOTHING, DON’T TELL ANYONE ABOUT THIS.
After that he storms off and locks himself in his room. CHENLE was really confused and disturbed, but this was clearly a sore spot for RENJUN so he didn’t want to ask about it. But he would keep it in mind and would share it with JISUNG because he’s like the unwilling father in this unwanted pregnancy. He comes back and he sees JISUNG playing lethal patty cake with the TURTLES.
CHENLE: Hey, I know what we should call them!
JISUNG: Don’t tell me you want to call them Sprinkle, Skittle, Milkshake-
CHENLE: Haha, no, I would never. I want to call them LEONARDO, RAPHAEL, MICHELANGELO and DONATELLO. Like Renaissance artists.
They can’t decide on who should get each name so just like with Cocomelon they use wheeldecide.com (because it has historically worked out for them). The blue one is LEONARDO, the red one is RAPHAEL, the purple one is DONATELLO and the orange one is MICHELANGELO.
CHENLE: Well, that makes sense. Leader... Leo... Leadernardo...
JISUNG: Yeah, let’s not think about it too hard. Now we can defend ourselves if DADDY SM tries to kill us.
MICHELANGELO: YEAAA I’M READY TO DEFEND MY PARENTS, RADICAL COWABUNGA.
They then realize that it’s 9pm which means it’s curfew time in Kpop Town and DADDY SM will get back soon.
CHENLE: We can’t keep them here! What if someone walks in and sees them?
JISUNG: Wait. I know a place where they’ll be safe.
They covered them in cloaks so that no one in NCT would suspect them when they saw them walking around (just another day in NCT fucking DREAM) and they make their way to the basement. JISUNG opens the door with his illegally made key and they lead them inside.
JISUNG: Go, you’ll be safe here. Just make sure to stay as far away as possible from that cage and you’ll be fine. Stay safe and stay out of trouble.
They all go in except for LEONARDO, who stays back to talk to JISUNG and CHENLE.
LEONARDO: But, father... how do you know I’m meant to be the leader? I’m scared. What if I’m not good enough?
CHENLE: From the moment you were born, three hours ago, I knew you were special, that you were meant to be a leader. You are so much more than you think. Now go and take care of your brothers or whatever.
After LEONARDO leaves, CHENLE starts to cry.
JISUNG: Hey, it’s not like they’ll be gone forever. We can visit them whenever we want.
CHENLE: I know, but it’s just been such a long day. We’re lying and hiding around and now we’re fathers... it feels very unlittle of us.
JISUNG: Well, it’s like I told you: kids are selfish and immature, so it’s not that weird.
CHENLE: I guess you’re right. I just feel like maybe this is too much of a grown-up problem for us.
JISUNG: It’ll be fine, we’ll figure it out and we’ll do it in a little way.
CHENLE: Yeah... by the way, I saw RENJUN today and he was doing that thing where he’s talking to himself but it looks like he’s talking to someone else.
JISUNG: Oh, yeah. We talked to a psychiatrist about it, we think he has schizophrenia or something. We haven’t told him because we think it’ll upset him but that’s probably what he has.
CHENLE: Yeah, that’s what I thought too. But today, I saw something weird. His mark started glowing when I asked what we should name the TURTLES and it didn’t look like a birthday cake. It was more like a cherry bomb.
JISUNG: You told him about the TURTLES!?
CHENLE: No, I just asked him if he had four sons slash pets what would he name them?
JISUNG: Okay... but we have to be careful. And the mark thing is weird. Are there other NCT members with different marks? Maybe we should talk to TAEYONG about it... someday.